ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has updated its guidelines and announced that you no longer have to wear a life jacket outside in case of rain. The guidelines had been put in place last year during a particularly rainy March, and although many experts had claimed we would just have to wear the life jackets for a couple of weeks, mandates remained in place for well over a year.
But now, even hardcore pro-life jacket agencies like the CDC have admitted it is time to take the life jackets off and go about our lives.
“Look, unfortunately, the rainy season is just about over,” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. “We had hoped it would last forever, but even we must admit, you no longer have to put a life jacket on when going outside.” However, the updated rule only applies to people who have taken swimming lessons at an approved swim lesson site. Still, many say this is progress over the strict and sometimes anti-science position taken by the CDC throughout the flood season.
“But we will still remain vigilant, and life jackets may become a seasonal thing worn every October through April to stay safe.”
Despite the updated guidelines, many liberals announced they would continue to wear life jackets until the chance of drowning in a sudden freak flash flood hit 0%.
“This is way too soon,” said Krissy Mackinaw of Austin, Texas as she watched people walk by without life jackets. “Look at these anti-science neanderthals walking around!” Her state of Texas removed the life jacket mandate several months ago, causing many experts to predict there would be a massive spike in drownings, but none of those predictions of doom came true. “You’re all going to die!” she screamed at passersby as she put a snorkel on.
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White Liberals Watch In Amazement As Black Man Acquires ID
HAMPTON FALLS, IA—White liberals gathered in the town of Hampton Falls were shocked and astonished as local black man, accountant, and father of three Michael Sparkton walked right into a DOT office and acquired an ID without any assitance from liberals whatsoever.
“It was amazing — he was smart, clean, and articulate enough to walk right in and acquire the ID without consulting us white people at all,” said anti-racist activist Chloe Ryder to reporters. “He walked right in and got the ID, no questions asked. We thought it would be way above his intelligence level because, well. You know what I’m saying, right? Yeah. You know.”
Reporters said they did not know, and Ryder was forced to whisper, “because he’s black and I don’t think he’s capable of doing it!”
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ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.
“This guidance is especially important if you’re in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event,” said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. “Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!”
When pressed regarding what gives the CDC authority to comment on seat belt usage, they clarified that these were simply recommendations based on the latest scientific research, for the sake of public health. When further asked how exactly a seat belt that’s not anchored to anything can protect anyone, they replied with a statement saying “SHUT UP IT’S SCIENCE!”
The Federal Government has responded with a nationwide seat belt order for all public parks, buildings, and sidewalks.
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“It felt humiliating.”
A man in Wales was arrested by police for going for a walk too far from home and failing to identify himself before he claimed he was taken to the police station and subjected to a strip search.
The incident was highlighted by Welsh member of Parliament Neil McEvoy, who posted a video of the arrest to Twitter.
According to McEvoy, the couple in question were grieving the recent death of an uncle and wanted to visit the nearest beach to go for a walk.
Mr. Radek, the man seen being handcuffed in the video, says that the couple had been struggling with mental health issues as a result of lockdown.
“My family was struggling with many issues that are sourced in the constant lockdowns and homeschooling,” said Radek. “On top of that came personal family problems which we faced in the last months. They include the very serious illness of my wife’s brother and death of close relatives. We were not even able to say goodbye or go and attend the funeral in Poland.”
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“Today, I realized that everything is about to change. No matter how I vote, no matter what I say, lives are never going to be the same. I have been confused by the hostility of family and friends. I look at people I have known all my life so hate-filled that they agree with opinions they would never express as their own. I think that I may well have entered the Twilight Zone. You can’t justify this insanity. We have become a nation that has lost its collective mind. We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, but it seems like a great plan to us. Somehow it’s un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America. People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President. Universities that advocate equality, discriminate against Asian-Americans in favor of African-Americans. Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now. Criminals are caught-and-released to hurt more people, but stopping them is bad because it’s a violation of THEIR rights. People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves. After legislating gender, if a dude pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him. It was cool for Joe Biden to “blackmail” the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if Donald Trump inquiries about it. People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for their degrees. Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.
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11 HRS AGO 3 MINUTEREAD
- ‘John Dillermand’ literally translates to ‘John Penis Man’ in Danish slang
- Animation made its debut on children’s channel DR Ramasjang on January 2
- Sparked debate over what’s appropriate for kids aged 4-8 – the target audience
A bizarre new children’s cartoon has launched in Denmark which tells the story of a chap with the ‘world’s largest penis’.
John Dillermand – which literally translates to ‘penis man’ in Danish slang – follows the adventures of its eponymous character who performs impressive feats with his member.
From rescue missions and taming lines to flying like a helicopter, lighting barbecues and stealing ice-cream from unsuspecting kids, there is indeed ‘almost nothing he can’t do with it’, as is explained in the show’s theme song.At one point, in a scene reminiscent of the film Up, he finds himself floating in the air over the town thanks to a set of colourful balloons tied to his tackle.
The animation made its debut on children’s channel DR Ramasjang on January 2, but perhaps unsurprisingly received mixed reviews from viewers.
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